chapter 6: the ultimate guide to reading (a book within a book that explains why books are pointless. including this one.)

books are dumb.
except when they make you money.

(i once got $5 reading a book. turns out the previous borrower forgot he ever put it there. between you and me, i love every $5 that i can get from wherever i can get it.)

so yeah. reading works.

people act like reading is some big intellectual activity.
“oh, i read 20 books this year.”
cool. did the books read you back? didn’t think so.

books are just thoughts that got trapped on paper because someone didn’t have anyone to text. reading is literally just looking at words until your brain decides it understands them.
sometimes it does.
sometimes it just nods politely and moves on.

since i am clearly an expert on this, let me teach you how to read properly:

step 1: open the book.

this is the hardest step for most people.
don’t rush it. build up to it emotionally.

step 2: look at the words.

very important.
if you skip this, it won't count as reading.

step 3: pretend to understand.

this is where the magic happens.
nod occasionally.
underline something random.
say “hmm” every 2–3 minutes.

people around you will swear you have grown as a person.

some people read for knowledge.
some read for entertainment.
i read for financial opportunities.

so far, i’m up $5.

that’s a 100% success rate.

“but cake,” you ask, “if books are pointless, why did you write one?”

first of all, no questions please.
second of all, money.
third of all, i had time.

mostly the second one.

you don’t need books.
everything you need to know is already inside you.

unfortunately, most of it is useless.

in conclusion:

1. books are pointless.
2. reading is optional.
3. understanding is rare.

but if you ever find $5 inside one, suddenly the whole system makes sense.