chapter 2: money talks (and it won’t shut up)

money is simple. people just like to make it complicated because they don’t have the natural talent that i do. i was basically born rich — not in terms of actual wealth, obviously, but in vibes (which is what counts).

it all started when i realised that whenever i walked into a store, money followed me. i didn’t even have to call it. it just knew. like a well-trained pet. i think that’s what experts mean when they talk about a “money mindset.” i have it.

i have no clue why money likes me. maybe i smell like potential. maybe i just look like someone who needs help. whatever it is, money keeps showing up in my life like an annoying friend who doesn’t understand hints.

people overcomplicate it with “jobs” and “skills” and “effort.” bro, please. money is like a cat — if you ignore it while minding your own business, it shows up on your doorstep anyway.

like when i started this book. you know how most writers struggle for years? yeah, could not be me. i simply decided to write a book and boom — instant revenue pipeline (i think). i haven’t checked. i don’t like to ruin the mystery with numbers.

my investment portfolio includes:

diversification? check.

oh, and everyone’s like, “save some for emergencies.” bro, i am the emergency. later isn’t real. later is fictional. now is real. and now wants you to treat yourself. this is called financial agility. look it up.

now, i know you’re wondering: “cake, how do i get money to talk to me too?” easy. let me teach you how finances work.

step 1: declare you are financially literate.

say it loudly. say it confidently. say it even louder when questioned.
if you believe you’re rich, the universe conspires to agree.
sometimes.

step 2: make a spreadsheet.

never open it.
spreadsheets work better when undisturbed. like sourdough.

step 3: side hustles.

i have 7. i don’t remember what half of them are. but that’s fine — true hustlers don’t keep track. tracking is for cowards.

step 4: manifest.

i once manifested $5 by thinking about snacks really hard. (it was a cashback notification.)

step 5: passive income.

i have mastered passive income.
i do nothing.
and my bank account… also does nothing.
true symmetry.

money talks, and i talk back. i just wish it would stop addressing me directly.

people often ask, “cake, how did you get so good with money?” and i would love to explain, but half of it comes from intuition, half from talent, and half from being me. and you’ll get there too if you keep reading. eventually.