chapter 14: sleep

sleep is a free trial of death with fewer legal consequences.

scientists say sleep helps memory formation, emotional regulation, and cellular repair. meanwhile, my body uses sleep to replay embarrassing moments from 2014 in 4k resolution with director’s commentary.

apparently the brain uses sleep to “process unresolved experiences.” very scientific. look it up.

thank you, brain.
very cool. now leave me alone.

dreams are interesting because your brain becomes:

• the author
• the director
• the actors
• the audience
• the vfx department
• and somehow still confused by the plot.

you can dream literally anything.

last night i had a dream where i was late for an exam in a school building that did not obey geometry. every staircase led to:

1. another staircase
2. a swimming pool
3. $5

there was also a goat there.

i do not know what the goat symbolises. probably one of my many successful business ideas.

some people “sleep like babies.”
thanks, bro. but i hate babies. they wake up crying every three hours.

i once fixed my sleep schedule.
it was the worst two hours of my life.

there are two kinds of people:

1. “i should sleep early tonight.”
2. liars.

you can choose the kind you want to be. me? i am the third kind. the expert.

with years of subject matter expertise, here is my scientifically powerful tutorial on how to sleep properly:

step 1: decide to sleep early.

very important.
this is usually done at 2:14am.

say things like:

• “my life changes tomorrow.”
• “i’m fixing my schedule.”
• “tonight’s the night.”

confidence matters. your mattress does too.

step 2: get a bed.

step 3: get into bed.

step 4: think about everything you’ve ever done wrong.

this part happens automatically.

your brain will now present:

• conversations from 8 years ago
• fake arguments that never happened
• a random word someone pronounced weirdly once
• that thing you said that ruined your last family reunion

very healthy. very natural. that's how the pros do it.

step 5: check your phone “one last time.”

you will learn:

• five signs of burnout
• seven foods secretly destroying your body
• a productivity hack from steve the millionaire
• something useful
• that the new day has already begun.

in conclusion:

1. sometimes sleep is rest.
2. sometimes sleep is escape.
3. sometimes it is pressing the “skip cutscene” button on consciousness.

good morning.